[Nov 2023] New Nails & Learning to Smile Again

 

Hi angels! Thanks for stopping in again. The last post was kind of heavy and I'm ngl it took me like a whole month to be able to look at myself in the mirror afterwards because I was just crying inconsolably every day for hours on end. 

During this time I was doing very bad. I was thinking about suicide a lot because of how much I was hurting and I had a lot of vivid dreams about my dad. I have always had vivid dreams after a loved one passes ever since I was a kid. I'm not a particularly spiritual person but this has happened every time without fail. I would be able to see and meet them and even talk to them. It's really strange but it brings me a weird sense of comfort I guess because I feel like I'm actually speaking to them in that moment.

Anyways during the first month I was seeing my dad a lot and he kept reassuring me that things would be ok and that I needed to stop crying because he was happy to finally be living freely. He encouraged me to live my life too so I did my best.

At this point I needed to go back to work as I was nearing the end of my bereavement leave. I had to force myself to be a little bit more "normal" so I went to get my nails done.

This ended up being one of my favorite nail sets of all time. I felt really weird being at that appointment but by the end of it I felt little more like myself. I was reminded that life goes on even if I didn't want it to but I can still find joy and beauty in things around me. I decided I would try to live more in the present and take the time to appreciate both myself and the life I built through all my hard work.

When I went home I thought I would try to put some makeup on. This was the first time I've done so since my dad passed. I forced myself to smile and take pictures because I forgot what it was like and I thought if I could physically do it then maybe I could trick myself into feeling it. 

It felt weird and I hated it, I deleted every photo I took. I was ready to take everything off but I remembered what my dad had been telling me in my dreams and I thought I should make a better effort. So I kept trying.

I cried so much after these photos but I felt like I did my best and I even convinced myself I almost looked happy. Still it felt better than to not try at all so I kept these as a reminder of how strong I could always be even when I felt the complete opposite.

Thank you for reading! See you later ♡