In Chinese slang, 5201314 means I love you for a lifetime/forever so that's what I decided to title this post. I thought about whether or not I really wanted to write this at all but it's part of my life and since this blog is like my open diary, I felt like it was only right to share a little bit about this.
In late October 2023 I got the phone call that I dreaded my whole life. My dad had passed away. This was the beginning of the worst year of my life. I won't go into too much detail because it's still hard for me to really talk about, but not only did I have to grieve this tremendous loss, I also ended up losing all of my remaining family and my childhood best friend in the aftermath.
The immediate 3 months after that phone call were the worst. The people in charge of his retirement housing complex were a nightmare to deal with and I had very little time to get a lot of things done. I'm so thankful to Kevin and some of my close friends for being there to support me through this. Even my work was very kind and I actually felt such a relief that I was able to still feel love in my heart through this traumatic and devastating time. The lady from the memorial service that I hired was also really kind and helpful so I didn't feel completely lost navigating everything.
I think I started to change a bit after the second month because I was in so much pain. I started to wonder why it was so difficult for some of the people I thought were closest to me to actually care for me or sympathize. I was absolutely shocked at how cruel and selfish they ended up being. Though I have put in the work to heal and move on, I hope that they will experience my pain tenfold for what they did to me. I pray that I never have the displeasure of meeting such foul and rancid people ever again in this life. Fuck all of you for abandoning me when I would've never left your side had the situation been reversed.
That being said I look back on these relationships now over a year later with an air of gratefulness in my heart. As much as it hurt at the time to lose all those shitty people, this entire experience taught me to appreciate myself more. In the end it was easy to let go of them because I realized they served literally no purpose in my life to begin with. Those relationships only lasted as long as they did because I was the one that kept working on them. They only did the barest of the minimum to keep a connection with me so they could use me for my kindness. When I needed reciprocation they were more than happy to turn their backs on me and paint me as the villain in their own narrative, so in a way they made it easy for me. I truly never needed people like that in my life and the only thing I have to mourn about them is my wasted time.
Now that it's 2025, I'm doing much better and have healed as much as I could. I put myself through some really intense therapy last year and was able to remove everyone in my life who did not deserve to be there. I now have the space to deepen the friendships that matter and focus on the people who actually care about me and it's been a deeply rewarding journey so far.
Anyways, this was the real reason why I stopped doing a lot of things for a while and especially why I ended up building a huge blog backlog. I just could not function for the longest time and I had so many things to do in his stead from taxes to paperwork and dealing with all sorts of governing bodies.
It still hurts to write all of because I miss my dad so much but I am happy to have made so many improvements to myself and my life because of all the situations I was forced into after he passed. I miss him every day and am forever grateful that our final interaction about a week or so before was full of love and closure. Our last words to each other were "I love you".
Years ago I got my dad's name in his own handwriting tattooed above my heart. I remember showing it to him and he called me his crazy girl. I will always be crazy when it comes to him. I don't regret the person I had to become in the last year. He was always proud of me and happy to tell anyone who'd listen. Now that he's gone, I have to do that for me too.
I have only now reached the end of everything that needed to be handled and was able to make space to process my grief. I don't think I'll ever be who I was before this but I am grateful still because I am happy to have grown and found peace in so many parts of my life that were nothing but chaos before this. Though this loss will hurt forever, I am happy to move forward as a better person and live my life to its fullest.
爸爸, 我會永遠愛你。
