[Jan 2024] Finding My Gyaru Self

 

Hi hi! This will be a long and personal post. If you decide that this is far too much to read I would encourage you to skip to the last paragraphs for a tl;dr! ( ദ്ദി ˙ᗜ˙ )

In 2024 I focused a lot on what having a personal style means to me. I consider gyaru a lifestyle that I adhere to (aka the way I prefer to live my life) and a lot of that includes maintaining my hair, nails, and skincare/makeup routine on top of expressing myself through the way I look and dress. I've always had the gal attitude of doing what I want because it makes me happy so I never thought much about not being "eccentric" enough in my outfits until I started actively interacting with the gaijin community after COVID.

I've always prioritized comfort and practicality because I hate being physically uncomfortable in my clothes and shoes. In a way, I've always felt that my outfit is like a second skin. I don't want to be finicking with any element of it while I'm out and about because I want to focus on enjoying myself in the moment. I think because of this preference, I've always had a very "toned down" or boring style of gal ( • ᴖ • ｡)

For example, this is something I wore to run errands.

I don't necessarily feel not gal, because I look like all the Japanese gals I interact with on instagram. But it's definitely not anywhere close the OTT black diamond alba manba gal cosplay that most gaijin are enthralled by. Did this mean I was bad at gyaru? Am I even considered gyaru? 

I thought about this a lot and to stop myself from spiraling I had to remember why I even got into gal in the first place.

Harutamu's mantra that I live by

I spent a lot of time perfecting my gal makeup skills because to me, that is the main draw and focus of gyaru. This is what made me fall in love with gal to begin with! 

I was never able to follow western makeup trends  or popular makeup tutorials from well known gurus at the time like Michelle Phan or Bubzbeauty. I just (in my opinion) was not blessed with good genetics and was not conventionally attractive enough to look good in those beauty standards.

I remember the first time I tried a smokey eye on myself because it was really trendy back then with a nude lip and fr it looked ridiculous because it really emphasized the slant and size of my eyes (˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )

In my early high school years I was absolutely obsessed with Japanese nail art and was familiar with cosplay as well as lolita fashion. I actually really wanted to get into lolita but it was much too frilly and girly for me and I also just could not afford it. 

Then when I least expected it, I discovered Ageha magazine and fell in love.

I thought wow, these models are all so pretty with their big dolly eyes and luxuriously curled hair. The best part was... they were Asian too! For the first time in my life I felt like there was something in print media that was made for me and it didn't require me to fit the typical western standard of beauty at the time (because I was short, chubby, and struggled with acne). 

From there I discovered more incredible magazines like ViVi, Ranzuki, Popteen, JELLY, JJ, Blenda, S Cawaii!, KERA, FRUiTS, SHOXX, Zipper and so many more!!!

I spent so much time online searching for scans and saving them as inspo. I thought that one day maybe I could be just like Himena or Tsubasa.

Around this time I met Shiena, Ashley, and all the great gaijin gals of that era. They were all huge sources of inspiration for me but I still could not bring myself to fully commit to gal. I came from a poor family so I never spent money on clothes or makeup. I got my first job when I was 16 to help my family and I basically haven't stopped working since then. Once I started making my own money I felt empowered to buy things for myself because it wouldn't be a burden on my parents.

2010 me! I was 18 here and just learning to put on makeup.

After graduation I slowly started buying "gal" items and experimenting with my look. I was still pretty new to makeup (I only just learned how to glue lashes on!) but I thought I could try expressing myself a little more through my clothes, especially since I was no longer in high school hell.

This was from my first overseas trip to Hong Kong.
I was so happy to have bought all of this in the same day
I just couldn't wait to wear all of it lol idk why I thought
it would look good together. I was just excited to have new things.

I learned how to order clothes online and back then I only really understood how to use Rakuten and order from DreamV. Still I was happy because I was making improvements from before and I started feeling like I was getting closer to my "true self".

I started working at Forever21 around 2012 and because I was now "shop staff" I felt even more empowered to dress up and experiment with my gal style. The employee discount also helped me transition my wardrobe from highschooler to young adult, but I didn't have an understanding of how to dress myself quite yet so a lot of the pieces didn't actually go with more than 1 or 2 outfits.

At this point I really liked himekaji and rokku; I was also in love with MA*RS. I had no idea how to consistently replicate that aesthetic so I just bought anything that reminded me of Liz Lisa or MA*RS. During this time I was having a lot of fun but I didn't feel very "me" quite yet.

It was around this time I started making a more active effort to nail the makeup. I had put it off enough and I was certain this was the missing element.

I really struggled to find myself here because these were some of my most difficult years. I had a lot of really low points. Long time readers will remember I got forced out of my home, broke up with my ex, and struggled with finding work after graduation. Tbh I didn't know if I was gonna live past 25, I was doing really badly mentally and emotionally.

Fast forward to 2020, I had graduated college and had been working very hard on advancing my career. At this point I was able to pay off my student debts and reach a more livable salary so I didn't have to worry so much about living expenses. You can tell I started to get my shit together at this time cause I was now free to really dive into gal and I've been working on refining my signature makeup ever since.

Anyways, now that you have all the lore of my journey so far, it's time to explain my present day struggle and the next phase of my gyaru journey.

I am now blessed to have a wonderful and fulfilling career but I have been feeling like my wardrobe and overall aesthetic has been trapped in a teenager phase because gal is quite a youthful style. As you've been reading, I was a late bloomer; I didn't get to fully experiment and find myself until my twenties due to circumstances and while I'm not as ancient as zoomers think a 30+ year old is, I'm definitely not the target demographic for most of the classic heisei styles anymore.

Matching my gal makeup to my work shirt ( • ̀ω•́ )✧ 

Yes, I believe you should feel free to dress how you like and live however you want, but the reality is that there are unspoken rules and social constructs you need to abide by to be successful in a corporate setting. Basically, I gotta focus on looking professional right now because going to work at a giant tech company is not the same as rolling into a 1st year creative writing class.

But I'm not ready to give up gal!! Sure, I've only ever dressed myself based on the vibe I was feeling that day. And sure, I've never fit into or identified with any which substyle. But I've finally got to a point where I'm proud of my makeup and it looks recognizably gal and feels uniquely "me". I've finally got the money and fully formed frontal lobe to build out a cohesive wardrobe. What do I do then?

I've decided to consciously split my life into 2.

When my dad passed away, I became acutely aware that I was operating as 2 different people. There was Adult Olivia, who was dependable, responsible, and there to do what needed to be done at all times. And there was just Olivia. She had a lot of feelings, was hurting very badly, and needed a lot of time to figure things out. I think a lot of people would consider this their "inner child" but I never really got to be a child so I can't conceptualize that in my mind. That version of me is just me; like it's who I really am when I don't need to put on a brave face for the world. She is my true self.

I've always lived like this and when I thought about it, it made a lot of sense as to why I was able to function through all of my most challenging years and come out on top. I just got really good at compartmentalization.

While the "inner child" part of me was having fun and fixated on finding my best gal self, there adult part of me was doing all the Big Gorl™ things to grow my career and establish a stable life. These were both versions of me but I had always felt a need to blend them into one person and realistically the "Adult" me had to be the most prevalent part because after all, I'm an adult now.

My dad's passing was a light switch moment. It made me realize that it didn't matter how I lived my life. Whether it was with one self or multiple selves. They are all me, and in the end nothing really matters except how well you lived your life and how happy you were able to be.

So now I feel like I've cracked the code to being my authentic self but also a functioning adult in society.

In 2024 I ended up building a capsule wardrobe for work. This consisted of dress pants, blouses, heels, basics, you name it! I searched for and bought everything I needed to be a corporate professional and put it all in a neat little section of my closet. I started doing my makeup more naturally for the office. I took a lot of inspiration from kpop idols and Korean trends:

Then in my off time, when I wasn't convincing my corporate overlords I deserve my Big Gorl™ salary, I'm continuing my gyaru journey. I experimented a lot last year (and honestly so much of it looks so horrible in retrospect lmao), but I learned that my signature style leans more towards lifestyle and daily wear. 

At the end of the day, I realized that I never fit comfortably into any substyle because I don't "dress up in gal". This is just how I like do my makeup and I dress how I feel most comfortable that day. And that's ok!!! Talking about this with my gal pals made me realize that I'm just not doing the same kind of gyaru that everyone in the comm is doing and that's fine (but also that's why there's so much friction when interacting in comm spaces). 

I looked at my instagram stats and realized that I resonate more with a Japanese audience in my age group because I'm living a similar and relatable kind of life to them. This realization gave me a weird amount of peace and validation tbh. 

I feel so free and happy being myself and existing in my own space. I don't feel the need to interact with gals like I did in the last few years. I thought that I wanted to be a mentor type figure and help other gals be their best but looking at my own journey I realized that's not how it works. Everyone's gal journey is deeply personal. You'll get where you need to be when you're ready.

I still want to make gal content and resource posts in the future, but now I really don't care about "correcting" or debating anyone. How y'all want to look and dress is your business and it doesn't matter if I like it or not. That being said, I don't regret any of the posts I've made or advice I've given. Imo if you need to ask for approval or reassurance you're probably not in the right space to be a gal or live a gal life. If you feel some type of way about how I see and experience gal, that is entirely a "you" problem. 

This blog and my social media are just spaces for me to exist and share my gal experience and life. I do so in hopes that other likeminded gals can find inspiration and comfort in knowing they are not alone in their journey. I don't want to police anyone, I don't want to force my opinion on anyone, and I don't want to actively validate or invalidate anyone because it is not my business or problem!! I'm just here to yap!!!

You are free to follow along and read my posts or ignore and block me. I don't care to argue with anyone anymore and I don't want to engage in any weird online discourse or gal theory crafting "( – ⌓ – ). I don't care about being anyone's inspo or having any sort of gal clout/fame in the community. I'm just here to exist as I am and to be my most authentic gal self.

Anyways, if you've read this far thank you!! I hope you found my rambling interesting. I wanted to write this post mostly as a reminder to myself but also to all gals out there that your journey is no one else's business but your own. You may have to take breaks and readjust your focus along the way but if you really want to achieve your ideal gal life, you will find a way!!! 

Gal should be an integral part of who you are as a person and you shouldn't have to ask for anyone's approval. At the same time though, don't jeopardize your own wellbeing for it. There is a time and place for everything in life. Don't fuck up your school, work, or relationships because you wanted to wear 8 pairs of lashes. Learn to prioritize the different parts of your life wisely and know that everything will come together when you are ready and have space for it ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡